What Andrew Said

According to my cousin Andrew

Who, btw (By The Way) used to be a personal trainer so he knows what he’s talking about

You’re supposed to wear underwear under your Gym Shorts

When you visit the Gym

Ever since I bought my first pair of Slazengers (Police-blue, white double stripe down both legs, zip pockets, annoying draw string waist band) 

For £4.99 in the sale in Sports Direct 

Which turned out to be a bit too big and baggy for me

I haven’t worn underwear in the Gym.

Just to be clear - No boxers or Ys or anything under the Slazengers.

Commando if you will.  

The Slazengers have an inner mesh, much like a swimming short.

That’s probably how I justified the whole sorry business to myself.

The presence of the mesh.

Which makes it sort of like you’re wearing undies.  

After a sesh (Session) in the Gym, 

Doing 15-20 minutes on the rowing machine and avoiding the room with all the weights that me and a girl called Jasmine I sometimes talk to agree reminds us of a Prison Gym

My shorts smelt revolting.

To be really honest with you here 

They smelt like a homeless man’s crotch.

What I did was 

I washed the Slazengers frequently 

and pretended everything was fine.  

Everything changed for me (Shorts-wise) 

When my Mum (Kathryn) was going to chuck out her husband (Robert’s) Nike Gym Shorts (Navy-blue, single stripe down right side, no zips on pockets, slim-fit) 

I said I would give them a good home.  

When I took the Nikes out for their first sesh (Session) 

It was the middle of a work day (Tuesday) so it was only the elderly and women around

Therefore I didn’t feel self-conscious 

About going into the prison room and using the Big Boy Weights

So I was especially sweaty.

After lifting all the weights.   

As a result the Nikes were odorous 

In a way I never imagined shorts could be.

A nightmarish, ungodly, cacophony of scent-horror.

At the time I was convinced the intensified smell was due to the Nikes being

Sans Mesh

The lack of inner mesh also instilled a fear of my fellow Gym-goers

Seeing a testicle or worse.  

So when Andrew drove me down to our Granny’s house

In his new MG (which he bought on a whim because his Dad ((Uncle Edward)) had one and he was jealous)

To see our Grandmother because she was dying of cancer which had spread from her liver to her lungs

And she only had three months left to live

And when I asked him about the shorts thing

He told me that everyone else wears underwear under their Gym Shorts.

  1. tomlevinge posted this